These days, everything is hard. This would include the known and mundane things I do. So I’m sitting there on the couch watching TV and I get thirsty. I get Snickers off my lap and get up. I walk over into the kitchen and I stop. I ponder what it is I want to drink. Do I want a soda? Water? Tea? Milk? I’m sure, if someone were watching me, they’d think I’d forgotten what I wanted. But that’s not true. I’m trying to decide what it is I want to drink. What should it be? Hm?!
Well, I can’t really drink milk anymore. So that is off the list. Oh, I could have some almond milk. No, I don’t want that. That’s for my cereal, I tell myself. Oh, I could have some tea. No, I don’t want that, I decide. I had enough of that earlier. I should drink some water. Now I walk over to the counter and reach up and open the cabinet where the glasses are. Oh dang. It’s empty. Oh yes. They’re all dirty. So I reach down and open up the dish washer and dang. They’re dirty still. Dammit, I forgot to turn it on earlier. So I look to make sure I put a tablet in. I did. So I close it and push the start button.
So now what? I don’t want to use the good glasses. I don’t want to break one of those by accident. One of those plastic ones will work. Okay, they’re all in the dish washer too. Oh man. Now I have to use one of those giant size theater cups. I don’t want that much to drink, but that’s all that’s left. So, I put some ice in the glass and open up the fridge to get some water and pitcher is mostly empty. Really? Almost empty? Why can’t the last person fill this damn thing? So I stand there looking at pitcher almost empty. I finally realize that it needs to be filled. So I refill it and put it back in the fridge. But, dang it, my glass is still empty, just a few cubes of ice. Uuuuhhhmm? Oh, I need more ice. So I get more ice in from the freezer and then water from the facet. I also have several little “drink enhancers” I can spray into the water. Do I want that too?! I pick up each one several times and then finally decide which one I want and spray it into the water. A process in the past that would have taken me 15-20 seconds now takes me 5 minutes to complete. It’s not that I don’t where to go or what to do. I do know that. It’s just that my decision making is .. so slow.
There is always something new to learn in just about everything we see and do. I watch TV, read and listen to sermons at church. I watch the news (sometimes to much), sermons by different ones, programs on the history channel, HGTV and just regular shows like NCIS. I use to absorb it in routine. Sometimes I would laugh, feel sorry or oh, I didn’t know that before. Now I can get stuck or something flies by me at the speed of sound. If I hear, a child is missing, a child was murdered, a soldier has made the ultimate sacrifice or maybe I hear at church that “God is Good.” I have to slow down so I can process it all. Oh damn, a parent has joined my club. Is God really good? Nothing else is heard because I’m still processing what was seen and said. Did he really say that? What did he say after that? It’s already gone by, I can’t bring it back. What was said is all been lost. How can I chase after the words that have already gone by? I can’t. I missed it because .. I listen to slow.
Magazines, books and articles on the internet are good places to learn. You don’t always have to learn when you read. You can sit and read nice novel of pure make believe. It’s all good and fun. I spent a lifetime reading about World War II. I’ve read about what all generals have said from each of the Armies. I’ve read about all the different battles and campaigns. Ones you’ve never even heard of. I’ve read about the planes, tanks and weapons all the men use. I’ve seen them, held them in my hands and even shot some of them on the rifle range. I’ve climbed on tanks, planes, ships and submarines and learned what I can. I’m sure I’ve forgotten more about the war than most men have even read.
I’ve read about computers, radios, radars, audio equipment and many other technologies. I kept up with all them. I did! I knew how to design, keep working, fix and operate them all. That’s the kind of engineer that I am.
I’ve read many novels and read the total writings of many authors over their entire lifetime. Mostly science fiction and spy novels and others too, but in lesser numbers. Hundreds, if not thousands in all. Those are for me.
I’ve read the Bible, many times over. Studied many sections over and over to learn the great mysteries of God. When I had difficulties learning something, I would seek help and sometimes I’d move on. Figuring that section wasn’t for me. Read books and articles on the subject or section I was pondering. I was always hungry for more. Reading and studying as a man dieing from thirst.
You see, I still want to read. It’s not that can’t read or don’t want to read. I have a novel and few magazines sitting right here ready to be read. When I read, I’m not sure what it is I read. So I read and reread what was said. Sometimes the last sentence or paragraph or even back a page or two. Even in the Bible, I have to reread verses over and over again. Sometimes, just give up. I’ve thrown away some magazines because I didn’t know what they said. It’s not that I’m stupid or dumb, but I just .. comprehend so slow .. I’m now afraid to read. Learning from the wisdom they speak of is a chasing of the wind. I’m drowning from the words.
© 2019 Roger Holmack, All Rights Reserved
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